Sunday, 14 September 2008

The Trouble with British Politics….

.... is that it is too damn stuffy. Not only is there a tiny percentage of non-white politicians gracing the planks, there is a huge percentage of middle England representing our values.

British politics has had its hand in colonial means for centuries and as if feeling shame was an after thought, those imperialistic values still seem to exist within the walls of the Houses of Parliament. The grand palace of argument is decorated with gold raped from the black hands of the people we overtook, forever in the background when the two political forces have their weekly battle of good vs evil. But how that line has now blurred too! As the Presidential race in America hots up with side splitting inaccurate yarns posted on various television networks and websites, our very own Prime Minister looks like the sort of person who would struggle to work a toaster. It does not inspire. I’m not the fulcrum of political matters, clued up to every single tax cut promise and heating allowance for the old, but I know I like a politician who can make my toast. It’s easy to say British politics is boring and uninspiring, but my god, compared to America’s WWF extravaganza, our politicians seem like the wrestling equivalent of the Dinner Lady Saturday’s at Lewisham theatre.

It’s easy to blame the politicians themselves; their suits, Brown and his plumy Scottish accent trying to tell me ‘everything’s alright.’ But I want glitz and glamour. I want (insert fairly big British Band) playing the political hits before my next Prime Minister promises me and my other 79,999 fellow screamers, ‘CHANGE!’ Maybe it’s because we just haven’t got the facilities. I mean, it would be pointless Milliband walking tall somewhere up North, walking out at Derby’s County’s Pride Park in front of some 3000 farmers, with a bit of a shit PA and Girls Aloud doing that ‘Underground’ song. It would just be a bit pointless. It wouldn’t be like Obama striding out, would it? You’d get this skinny white, posh, frail First Class Accounts Graduate holding onto a rail promising the farmers that mad cow disease isn’t really ‘real.’ It’s all just a bit crap.

Sadly, we know Labour has as much chance of winning the next election as I have, so we have to rely on David Cameron for our futures. He is, sadly, the most charismatic politician in the race even if, by his class, accent and ‘hug a hoodie’ love, his distant family undoubtedly had their hands bloody somewhere in Africa. Brown makes this prick look like JFK or something; just by his complete ineptitude of grasping the fact that politics has evolved since Labour was for the working class.

That disaffection just doesn’t exist anymore. I just can’t see many people caring enough in this country to vote for someone even if they offer free blowjobs with every X. There is a weirdo apathy within our youth culture that doesn’t relate to issues outside of the family. You could tell by the Mayoral elections. Most of the votes came from the borders of London (fuck knows why they’re included but hey ho); white, middle class places full of middle aged conservative strong holds that actually cared enough to spot the fact that people are apathetic and voted. And look what got in!

Politics needs a make over. At the moment it’s a Sunday supplement where we see some party members we’ve never heard of ramble and stutter on and on about the war in Iraq. It’s done, get on with it! At least you can pick the three or four villains out of a criminal line up when it came to the Republican’s latest rein: Bush, Cheney, Rice, Rumsfelt, Powell…. These guys were great. It’s like the fucking Addams Family or something!

I’m not even sure now if it is a class thing. Get them all on Big Brother. Get five Conservatives and Labourites (No Liberals) to discuss policies, sleep, smell each others shit and shag for 60 weeks or for however long it lasts. It’s going to be massive! It might just make a kid somewhere want to vote.

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